Nature's Breath

The wind caresses my face as i walk towards the metro station. It seems like the cool breeze is pleading me to take a moment..to savour the moment..the touch of life flowing from other parts of the world.

It is ironical that i find this busy road full of speeding traffic, the most peaceful spot to take a break from the monotonous rut. The flock of birds flying in the sky also seem to be having a gala time, letting the wind carry them to their destination. The leaves of trees dance with joy. The monsoon clouds are teasing those who look up in anticipation. It has been a long time since i have had such an encouter with nature. But, even after all these years, it seems like nothing has changed.

Time stands still as we merge into each other, once again.

The 'SALA' Model

It's a wonder how small little things can make one forget about all their worries of life and make them feel that life is simply superb. Be it a toddler's innocent smile or mischief to someone smiling at you in the packed metro.

Everyone knows the system of using connections to get things done in India. Termed as the 'sala' model by the famous political theorist, Fred Riggs, this system of using informal connections to get things done is a very common feature in most developing nations.

The absence of something as small as a signature across your photograph in an admission form can stop someone's application. On the other hand, a simple call from the senior officers in the same institution can make officers ignore these small necissities and go around their rules and regulations. In the usual process of examination form submission which would have taken me hours today and maybe tomorrow as well, took exactly 5mins with everything approved from the seniormost person responsible for the same. Indeed, in such cases, everyone does become a 'sala' for one another in a completely indian sense of the word.

 It's a wonder because I suddenly felt on top of the world getting treated like a VIP whereas, others like me stand in the scorching heat and wait for their turn.

I feel happy but then, should i?

Clearing away the cobwebs

I have been living in the same city, in the same area and in the same house ever since I was a baby. My parents came here a few months after I came crying into this world. I suppose that’s why I get extremely apprehensive about living someplace else. Truth is, I don’t know how to live anywhere except where I am. My house was almost empty back then- with a few chairs, one or two tables and a bed. Of course, it shows all the signs of being lived in for 20 years now.

I don’t have many memories of my life as a baby. Hell, I don’t even know what my first word was! My parents have filled me in a little bit though. I was mostly a quiet kid, not so much of a devil like my younger brother. Except for a few things like- not drinking my milk or trying to starve myself to death- I was, what people would call, a ‘boring’ kid. Not that I mind that. I actually kinda like the fact that I was different than most of the kids!

Back then, I was not as undisciplined as I am now, either. I used to get up early in the morning and drag my father outside on the ramp to watch the birds going about their morning chores.

My father also used to draw a small bird on my palm a lot- an image etched into my memory for some weird reason. I spent the entire day reading stories or writing something. My favorite game was playing ‘teacher’ where I used to read books and write whatever little bit I knew. Pretty boring, eh?

Maybe, that’s what made me change. Gone are those days when I would sit poring over different books and write stories and poems. In the last few years especially, I have seen more of the world than I should have, I think. Of course, shit happens. Part of growing up, as someone once told me.

Everyone gets homesick when they are away on a holiday or a vacation somewhere for a long time but since I have been so stuck up in this place, I start pining for my home, my room, the view from my window and even the smell of the polluted city air. And that makes the rest of my holidays miserable instead of enjoying them.

Since I am a college student now, there have been times when the question of taking up a PG or a flat has come up. Living all by myself is definitely exciting to someone like me who is extremely finicky about independence and privacy. But just the thought of living elsewhere scares the hell out of me.

Yes, I should take the plunge- I have to, someday.

I always spend months thinking and analyzing things. I made an exception here and decided to take the leap a few weeks back.

As I leave for house-hunting for the first time, I am excited and nervous at the same time, it's like a rush.

Walking towards the main gate, I look around and realize that I’m already bidding farewell to the grey buildings that surround me.

Bedeviled with hegemony

Nowadays, everyone wants to be part of the western world- be it their  dressing sense, the music taste, the food, living style, habits, language- living completely in a hegemonic world. Gone are those days when people would sit on the floor and eat food on coconut leaves without forks and spoons. It is also impossible to find some man who wears a dhoti inside or outside the house. Sanskrit as a spoken language is long forgotten. People take pride in the fact that their children are studying in English medium schools and colleges. Not just in India but all over the eastern side of the world. Is there any country which does not have a KFC or a McDonald in it? Is there any kid today in any country who has not heard of Spiderman or Superman? There are a number of channels for kids today but you’ll find a common pattern in every kid when it comes to their favourite cartoons.

I came crashing into this world in the year 1991- the year India was forced to open up the economy to the outside world due to its financial crisis. So, somewhere, I have seen the change happening in front of my eyes. Of course, many people come into this category (my parents and almost everyone elder to me). But I still think I am different. One, because as they say, I am a ‘21^st century’ child. And secondly, because I don’t think many people analyze the past as much as I do.

Isn’t all of this a sign of the hegemonic world we are living in? Who even cares about chacha chowdhary, champak, amar chitra katha, lambu-motu and the various other cartoon and comic characters anymore? Kids today would probably respond with a look of bafflement if you mention these names in front of them.

I remember the days when going to Nirula’s for an ice-cream used to be a once in a blue moon event. Malls were not there at every nook and corner of the city. Mother dairy ice-creams, roadside chaats and moongphali walas used to be in much demand instead!

I never understood the concept of ‘AC car’ in trains because my parents couldn’t afford to travel in them. And somewhere, I still prefer travelling in a sleeper class than in an AC car. I remember opening the windows to let the wind hit my face- carrying with them so many stories, so many anecdotes- the wind from every part of the country. Sometimes, when it rained, I could smell the different smell of the wet mud as I travelled from one city to another.

But the sleeper class days are over and the smell of the wet mud has not hit me for more than 10 years now. Malls have become the place to hang out at every day and KFC/McDonalds/Baskin Robbins have taken over those moongphali walas. And as I write this, I realize that without meaning too, I too have become a victim of the present hegemonic condition!

Greater the love, greater the pain

'Falling in love' is something that happens to most of us sometime or the other in our lives. You can fall in love with a pen or a car, the rain or the snow- but you don't realize it's importance unless it goes away. Same with people, isn't it? Human relationships are so complicated. Family feuds are present in almost every household these days. Best friends, inseparable at one point in their lives, become strangers to each other.

Eventually, everything starts coming back to you- the promises, the songs, the stories, the laughter. And that's when you start running away from yourself. In the process to forget a particular person, you start forgetting yourself- lying to yourself.

Often, you pass or visit a place which forces you back into the past. You start making excuses in order to avoid that place in future. Some song on the music player or radio triggers off another jog down the memory lane. You pack up your music player and put it away in the drawer. Facebook updates and status messages start hurting and you stop going online.

In this huge world, you desperately try to run from one place to another, make excuse for an excuse, indulge in unnecessary activities, take up drugs to feel that little bit of peace and happiness, sleep with someone to desperately feel love. You do this for a week, a month, two months. But eventually you realize that you're just running around in circles.

Why do people feel so scared? That too with a person they had been inseparable with?

Some of the closest and the best relationships end this way. And in today's fast and monotonous life, it's the story of every household.

Some people tell me I have trust issues. I try to justify and fight my case but fail to speak the truth- that somewhere, I am scared of feeling that pain..scared of going through that ordeal..scared of not being able to even face/call/message someone..scared of living the fear of coming across anything even remotely related to that person. 

Yes, life is tough and you gotta make yourself tough. But there are some things that you can change and some things that you cannot change about yourself because that's who you are.

I recently let go off myself..let go off the fear and the trust issues. There is a jabbing pain in my heart which still skips a beat at times.

My eyes well up with tears as I ask myself- "Can I let go off that fear ever... for anyone?"

From here to there...

She walked as fast as she could...away from the beautiful house that lay behind her. She couldn’t stop the tears or control the way her body was trembling. She could feel the curious stares and glances of the people around her but she didn’t stop. All she wanted was to be left alone.

Her mind couldn’t stop replaying the last one hour...the shouting, screaming, beating, abuses...

Her knee was bruised and her lips were swollen. She tried to shut her mind and the voices in her head..her body shook violently in response.

She couldn’t understand the great ‘sin’ that she seemed to have committed. Of course, the mindset of the people and the society was very different from her way of thinking (supposedly, the western way). Living in a patriarchal society, she could understand why men never got blamed. But what intrigued and disappointed her the most, was the way women seemed to be supporting this unjust system more than men!

She belonged to a country with a rich and grand historical background- a place where people had once laid down their lives in the name of freedom and independence. But instead of making progress on the basis of these ideals, it seemed like the country had sunk to a level lower than anything in the world. Yes, of course the GDP is growing every year, foreign countries are making huge investments, exports is increasing, commercialization in the name of ‘development’ is taking place- but still the country showed every sign of deterioration. How?

Sex determination is banned all over the country. Does that not suggest that the society is probably unjust and unequal? Women are butchered even before they are born. Hell! These women are most of the times forced to get an abortion by their own mothers, aunts, in-laws, friends, etc!

Her mind seemed to be whirring inside her brain and her tears were slowly turning into tears of frustration. She covered her ears tightly with her hands in the hope that it would shut her mind.

She couldn’t understand how people could lose their sense of humanity to this extent that they treat fellow human beings worse than animals!

She had been accused for falling in love. Abused and hit for bringing ‘shame’ to the family honor. Why and how is the family honor not affected when a man rapes a woman? How the hell is it a woman’s fault for this hideous act? The way they dress? If dress is at fault, how do ‘properly dressed’ women, covered head to toe decently in the traditional Indian salwar-suit, raped then?

They are made to feel like sluts for something so heinous. The ‘slut walks’ happening all over the world have been the most controversial topic in the last few days. Maybe, it IS time to look at the word ‘slut’ from a different perspective.

The thread of thoughts continued as she tried hard to concentrate on the topic at hand. She felt stuck and helpless. What could a 17 year old woman possibly do to bring about a change? She tried to bring her mind back to the situation at home. But it was just not possible for her to think in that narrow a domain.  As her mind whirred and dealt with these questions, she realized one thing- that the one thing women have yet to learn is nobody gives you power. You just take it.

In small doses...

There are so many things that shape your life and the way you are. Of course, everyone knows this. But it’s only when you realize it yourself that you start quoting it to other people.

Sometimes, when you actually try to get into the depth of things, you realize that small, and I mean EXTREMELY small and unimportant events that might have taken place long back when you were probably a kid, remain pasted into your memory. This is where I suddenly feel what a huge deal parenting must be.

I remember how my father used to draw a bird on my palm every day. It was no extraordinary bird, a rather plain one in fact. But it became more like a routine until my mother decided to stop it. She hates any kind of ink marks on the skin! But even today, I remember that bird so vividly- maybe because I relate it to freedom and independence. I have no idea!

I was pretty much a loner when I was small. I loved to spend time with myself, explore places, observe things around me, read, write- there seemed to be no end to the things I could do! I never got bored or felt the need for company. My mum tried desperately to make me talk to other kids and play with them. She even had to resort to harsh measures such as shutting me out of the house for the entire evening, in the hope that I’ll make friends! It’s probably because of her efforts that I have so many friends today!

But I suppose there does come a time when we all need company. And my time came when I started getting bullied by people around me. Many kids get bullied, of course. But, it was the first time I realized what it felt like to be hurt. I just couldn’t handle it! And till date, this feeling scares me more than anything- being hurt by someone. There have been times when I have ended things or put a stop to things just because I didn’t want to ‘get hurt’ in the future. Thankfully, I have no regrets in life so far.

I seem to have drifted away from the topic..or maybe not. I tend to ramble a lot while writing. I don’t even have any idea about this blog or what I want to write here. Yes, the name of the blog clearly shows that it’s about life in general. But I wonder why I chose such a vague yet common theme for my blog. Maybe..because for me, everything has been figured out. Everything..except, how to live life.